everything feels temporary nothing feels right. i hope this feeling doesn’t last forever

my gf is playing old nineties songs and it’s making me feel nothing but v sad and old especially knowing I’m turning 23 in a few weeks. Somebody save me from adulthood and let me be 7 again watching vh1 with my best friend on her living room floor.

now that i’m officially moving and have my ticket and semi told my job that i’m leaving i just want it to happen already so i can prove to myself that it’s a good idea and not crazy like most people say because I’m like opposite of a risk taker person I’m like a play indoors with safety scissors person. luckily I’m too tired and focused on how i’m a stupid failure to care too much that everything in my life is going to change in 41 days. 

I’m so sick of being so anxious and when i try to talk to people about it they just tell me more things i need to be worried about but fuck just once can someone just hug me and say everything will work out and everything will be okay without making it more complicated like is that so hard to do?

can i just unleash all my fears and shit onto you people about moving across the country in like a month and a half ok here we go~~

1. ok like really first and foremost I’ve only lived away from ct when i moved to nh for my freshman year of college and i hated it because i was going through shit so my only experience is bad but i have high hopes

2. but like omggg meeting her whole family and her friends i could throw up everywhere they probably won’t like me and think I’m beyond lame and boring and ABOVE ALL I’m scared they’ll think I’m not pretty enough for her and it’s driving me crazy and making me hate myself hardcore

3. my gf and i have been fighting like little kittens lately and it makes me like shit man if I’m away from everyone and we fight ill die because ill suffer alone in her room and have no one

4. also driving this point home for a second time, i want her parents approval more than anything?? (i guess lump her friends in here too)


6. having to job search and car search and start over is pretty intense

7. leaving my dog )::::: and family and friends sad sad

8. also i have this thing where i like see places and things in colors (v confusing to explain) and like things that are familiar to me i see in light colors and things that are scary to me i see in dark colors and i see west coast in dark colors which i know isn’t forever but it’s hella fucking scary 


10. i might shit my pants in the process

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how does someone learn to fucking trust other people? especially with such important and vital parts of yourself? i don’t understand it’s so fucking difficult because my first instinct is to protect myself and that includes not letting my guard down enough to think that someone won’t completely fuck me over. but i see everyone around me and it seems so natural to them. am i just completely fucked and destined to live my life alone because i won’t trust anyone with the deepest parts of me? ok.

can we talk about how everything feels weird and off and i don’t feel even remotely like myself and i feel detached from everyone and everything and it just makes me feel anxious and weird weird weird

i am so unfulfilled!! i want so much more for myself than what i have!! im stuck im stuck im stucckk

i need to learn to love myself and my body because this is no way to live.

moving is scary enough but moving across the country is unbelievably scary. i wish i could clear my head and go with my heart but all my anxieties and fears are clouding my mind. ugh get your shit together, self.

life was so different before you. life is so sad without you.

i miss my girlfriend so fucking much i feel like i’m going to break down and cry and my friends want to go to this shitty bar tonight where like the people there are all these kids i hated in high school now grown up and drinking and ugh i just want my girlfriend back im sad.

i don’t know how i fucking went a year being away from my girlfriend. i just dropped her off at the airport and i couldn’t fucking handle it. i couldn’t stop crying and when i finally stopped i got home and went into our room and looked at the bed and her shirt was on the bed or something so lame and i started crying again. i hate this.

I won’t give up, but the process is painful and disheartening.