it feels good not to hold things in and be honest for once about how I’m feeling. it needs to happen more if i want to be happy one day
why are there so many tough life decisions why can’t like the universe just give me a break with the big ones and give me a little nudge in the right direction
i just asked my dad if he was disappointed in me and he said he was really proud of me and he was proud of how much i accomplish despite my depression and anxiety and it made me feel a little better because he doesn’t understand a lot of the things i go through and have to deal with but it makes it a little easier knowing that he understands that
I hate that I second guess myself so much. I hate that I can’t search inside myself or try to listen to the voice in my head or any of that shit in hopes of being lead in the right direction. I hear nothing, I feel nothing. I just go back and forth in my mind hoping my body will have some kind of reaction when I think about the right decision. But nothing ever happens and I just stay lost and confused
trying to make everything work when it seems like the world is working against you is exhausting
I mostly have my hypochondria under control but times like these when I’m under stress and then right under my jaw is really sore I start freaking out and checking stuff online. One of the things I do is check random fun things on my phone so that when I go on the internet I see the last thing I looked up is something nice and not some cancer or something because when my hypochondria was really bad that’s all id look up and seeing it in my history triggered me even more to obsess over it. I just need to remember what got me through when it was really bad because I can already feel it taking over my thoughts.
i used to write constantly. i remember being in cape cod and using some receipt in the car to write some shitty poem down. but i haven’t written in years because i see more and more poetry and stories that i either think wow i hope i don’t write like that, or wow i will never be able to write like that. both have caused me to completely stop writing. and then nights like tonight where i feel the need to express myself come along, and just the thought of writing shit makes my head hurt. it used to be such a major part of me and now its something i used to do. i remember being in class with my professor who had read some of my stuff, and my other professor asked who considered themselves a writer and everybody raised their hands except me. afterwards my professor came up to me and said i should’ve put my hand up. and i said i didn’t consider myself good enough to call myself a writer. and i think about that every time i want to get my thoughts out and it makes me so fucking sad. i wish i could write the way i used to, feeling confident in what i had to say. but i know i’ll never feel that way again
i feel so old when i look at people i used to know or like slightly knew but in my head i’m like god i know that i have some kind of specific memory about you but i can’t fucking remember why you resonate with me. like i’m forgetting people and the impacts they had on me and i don’t feel like these are the people i want to forget, ya know? like these are the memories i want to recall but i can’t
i hate feeling like i’m in a constant state of change. i want to feel settled.
how do you not give up? how do you not give up when everything from day one has fucking been against you? how do you not see all the shit you’ve been through, all the shit you’re going to go through and not throw in the fucking towel? i don’t fucking know
all the people that make me feel loved are so far away and i can’t figure out how to love myself and i’m tired of feeling disposable. i don’t want to feel empty anymore. i don’t want this heavy feeling in my heart. i don’t know what to do anymore.
ugh why does the past hurt so much. like even though you’ve lived through it and conquered it, it’s like brought up again and your fucking heart hurts like the first time like how fucked is that