trying to make everything work when it seems like the world is working against you is exhausting

I mostly have my hypochondria under control but times like these when I’m under stress and then right under my jaw is really sore I start freaking out and checking stuff online. One of the things I do is check random fun things on my phone so that when I go on the internet I see the last thing I looked up is something nice and not some cancer or something because when my hypochondria was really bad that’s all id look up and seeing it in my history triggered me even more to obsess over it. I just need to remember what got me through when it was really bad because I can already feel it taking over my thoughts.

i used to write constantly. i remember being in cape cod and using some receipt in the car to write some shitty poem down. but i haven’t written in years because i see more and more poetry and stories that i either think wow i hope i don’t write like that, or wow i will never be able to write like that. both have caused me to completely stop writing. and then nights like tonight where i feel the need to express myself come along, and just the thought of writing shit makes my head hurt. it used to be such a major part of me and now its something i used to do. i remember being in class with my professor who had read some of my stuff, and my other professor asked who considered themselves a writer and everybody raised their hands except me. afterwards my professor came up to me and said i should’ve put my hand up. and i said i didn’t consider myself good enough to call myself a writer. and i think about that every time i want to get my thoughts out and it makes me so fucking sad. i wish i could write the way i used to, feeling confident in what i had to say. but i know i’ll never feel that way again

i feel so old when i look at people i used to know or like slightly knew but in my head i’m like god i know that i have some kind of specific memory about you but i can’t fucking remember why you resonate with me. like i’m forgetting people and the impacts they had on me and i don’t feel like these are the people i want to forget, ya know? like these are the memories i want to recall but i can’t

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i hate feeling like i’m in a constant state of change. i want to feel settled.

idk I’m really happy right now and I want to remember that

how do you not give up? how do you not give up when everything from day one has fucking been against you? how do you not see all the shit you’ve been through, all the shit you’re going to go through and not throw in the fucking towel? i don’t fucking know

all the people that make me feel loved are so far away and i can’t figure out how to love myself and i’m tired of feeling disposable. i don’t want to feel empty anymore. i don’t want this heavy feeling in my heart. i don’t know what to do anymore.

ugh why does the past hurt so much. like even though you’ve lived through it and conquered it, it’s like brought up again and your fucking heart hurts like the first time like how fucked is that



how is it possible to miss someone this much? and like sleeping alone and waking up alone? not for me. 

This is the end of a letter I wrote to myself when I was 17, 6 years ago

This is the end of a letter I wrote to myself when I was 17, 6 years ago

I cried all my make up off twice and I’m home again but i don’t know what home is anymore honestly because the home I knew is gone and I feel like I’m gone and I don’t know who I am now and everything is terrible

dude I just got so sad because I read a post talking about summer vacation and for a second I felt the way I felt when I was in like elementary school and it was summer vacation and if that’s not the saddest shit thinking that now I’m out of college and it’s been years since I felt that way and I just want to cry