i think the hardest part about life, at least personally, is not sweating the small stuff. i get so caught up with every tiny detail that goes wrong or can go wrong that i have no time to enjoy anything ever. I’m waisting my entire life worrying about very trivial things. i just want to become a person who knows when to say “this is not a big deal, be happy today”,
when I was 16 I was severely depressed and wanted to kill myself so I started to listen to both discs of the new moon album on repeat. it seriously saved my life. Lately I’ve been in such a shitty place and I decided today to try the same thing and it has had the exact same effect on me. Listening to elliott just makes shit better and I can’t explain it but it makes me happy that I have something so amazing that gets me through shit.
something has been really off lately. I don’t know if it’s my head or my heart or a combination of the two, but something doesn’t feel right at all.
burning so many bridges.
everything feels really insincere and forced lately and it’s making me feel uneasy and empty
do you ever share a moment with someone you love or have something that is special to the two of you and you think how much it’s going to hurt to remember that thing or that moment if they ever leave you? its really sad to think about. dont think about it
I love being in a relationship so much but nobody told me being in love would be so fucking scary. Honestly, the thought of there being someone in your life that you are so emotionally invested in and this person can fall out of love with you or find someone else and leave you for them and you can’t do shit about it makes my heart hurt. Someone has the ability to completely wreck you and all you can do is sit there and hope it doesn’t happen. You just quietly think, “Please don’t leave me, please don’t stop loving me.” You put so much faith in this other person and that is a truly terrifying thing.
I feel too much. I feel everyone’s sadness. It’s so overwhelming.
Just in class having a revelation. Why am I so obsessed with trying to have this happy and meaningful life when that is so completely unattainable for me? I should just settle for living this average life. I’m sick of spending my time wondering why I’m so unfulfilled and incomplete. Trying to figure out what’s missing. I should just accept what I have and stop trying to achieve this ideal life I’ve always dreamt of. Cheers to mediocre. Whatever.
nothing makes sense, nothing makes me happy, this shit is never ending.
it makes me really sad that i can’t talk to anyone (good friends mostly) about my relationship without them rolling their eyes or saying “i hate you” because they are single. i listen to other people all day talk about being alone and sad and i try to be there for them and i never feel like okay this is a good time to talk about how happy i am in my relationship because i don’t want to be that asshole so i just keep quiet. and once in a while something will slip out, very fucking rarely, and i get the annoyed look and i just want to be like are you going to punish me because i’m actually in a successful long term relationship? i’m always there for you, i always listen to you complain can i ever just say like, last night we cuddled and watched tv and it was really awesome without getting shit for it? ughgughfugsorry
some things are really sad and disappointing and over time they just become expected and then unfortunately accepted.
iw as talking to my friend today about going through shit and he was saying how everyone freaks when he’s going through shit and tries to help and i think that’s the same with a lot of my friends and i kind of said something like kind of sucks no one like said anything when i was at my worst and he’s like blah we all tried to say you were abusing your medication and taking too much all the time and trying to say you were out of control or whatever and in my head i was thinking rly because i remember you guys would just make a joke out of it all the time back then like even these days when you tell stories about that time in my life you make a joke about how i don’t remember so many things for that span of almost 2 years and you talk about how out of it i always was or how i would disappear for a while and there’s even a fucking picture that everyone thinks is hilarious from when i was so fucking out of it because i took so much medication that i passed out LIKE CAN YOU THINK ABOUT HOW FUCKED THAT IS like ok i’m glad you think that the fact that i didn’t give a shit if i lived or died and taking like 10 times the recommended dosage of my pills is fucking funny to you and you think you helped by making jokes?? yeah i’ll be like ha and not tell you it hurts because i’m not going to open that can of worms but saying you tried helping nooo man no not cool. don’t tell me you tried to help when all you did was sit back and watch it fucking happen. damn