life was so different before you. life is so sad without you.
i miss my girlfriend so fucking much i feel like i’m going to break down and cry and my friends want to go to this shitty bar tonight where like the people there are all these kids i hated in high school now grown up and drinking and ugh i just want my girlfriend back im sad.
i don’t know how i fucking went a year being away from my girlfriend. i just dropped her off at the airport and i couldn’t fucking handle it. i couldn’t stop crying and when i finally stopped i got home and went into our room and looked at the bed and her shirt was on the bed or something so lame and i started crying again. i hate this.
I won’t give up, but the process is painful and disheartening.
a lot of things have been going wrong lately, and they’ve been putting heaviness in my heart. but at the end of the day, i know who i love with everything i am, who i’ll always love no matter what. and there’s some comfort in that.
i need to remind myself
i wish i could understand how my relationship worked. we piss each other off fucking constantly like i’ve never met anyone who frustrated me more but i could fucking kiss her forever and i have never had a bigger soft spot for someone and i have never been so patient with anyone because she is everything around me and it drives me crazy but makes me feel full sometimes and so empty others and i’m frustrated with myself because i’ve never loved anyone so much but no one has ever made me so mad. why is love so fucking complex?
today was one of the worst days i’ve had in a while. i’ve been on the verge of breaking down for a while and i had a mini episode a few weeks back. i woke up today to my cousin belittling me and telling me what is and is not acceptable. degrading me in front of a bunch of people. i worked a long shift and our whole computer system crashed and i got yelled at by most customers. i got out of work to 6 texts from my girlfriend telling me that my dad and cousin had basically thrown out all of our stuff in the bathroom. (i came home to see some of prescription medications were thrown out, ha fuck) she felt like she didn’t want to live here if she wasn’t respected and i felt the same way and basically full on freaked out screaming and crying (just barely making it out of work) i came home and contemplated for a long time drowning in the bathtub. i took two xanax. now i’m stable but still shaking and hurt and upset and today pushed me over the edge. tomorrow i’m supposed to put on a charade at a graduation party for me that i didn’t want. this whole planning process has been me being yelled at because i didn’t want to be the center of attention. i find out today this is all so my dad can show off (because i’ve accomplished nothing else in my life) even though he knows how uncomfortable this makes me. i want to die.
you know when something truly shitty happens and you sit there like oh god please am i dreaming right now this can’t be real and then you realize you’re not dreaming and it’s just like…shit.
has anyone else ever had like a sit down talk with themselves? like a shut the fuck up and be realistic and stop worrying and stressing about every fucking thing because you’re ruing your life? like looking in a mirror and being like SELF, YOU MOTHER FUCKER STOP GETTING IN THE WAY OF YOUR OWN HAPPINESS i wonder if it works…
things have been really rough lately and i don’t know how to talk about the pain that’s in my head and my heart. and people don’t understand so they leave.
My resolution for fucking 2014 is to find who and what makes me happy and then do my best to surround myself with that. Because I’m fucking sick of living this mediocre life where I’m just getting by to get by I want to fucking fly by and be excited for each day. I want so much more than what I have and I will use 2014 as an excuse to get it.