THM

When I said I love you:

1. I said I loved you because I was 14 and my best friend was saying it to her boyfriend, and I thought I had to say it too. 

2. I said I loved you because you said it, and I loved the way you said it but I didn’t love you.

3. I said I loved you because you were my best friend and I could tell you loved me, and you touched me like I was a fucking prize, until you didn’t anymore. And I realized I didn’t love you, I loved how you looked at me, until you didn’t anymore. 

4. I said, “I think I love you” because you said that to me, even though neither of us gave a shit and we were both just trying to find anything in each other.

5. I say I love you because my heart feels full when you smile, and your hands mesmerize me and my whole body tingles when you say you love me back. 

Something I wrote today.

Something I wrote today.

Is it possible to fall in love with someone’s mouth?

I swear the first night we spoke I couldn’t keep my eyes off of it.

The way your lips passed over your teeth when you smiled,

I became obsessed.

I vowed to know your mouth better than my own.

I studied it every day, watching how it corresponded with your mood and your words.

I had never loved anything so much in my entire life.

I wanted it to collide with my own. I wanted everything I loved about it to melt into all that I was.

I wanted to feel it on every part of me, and I wanted to never know anything else.

The most incredible feeling I’ve ever encountered is when you said you loved me for the first time. My whole body went numb and started to shake in the best possible way because I truly felt loved. And how insanely perfect is it when you know you are loved by the one person you love most? It’s like the universe and time and space all just become the breath in which two people share feelings of that caliber with each other. Never in my life have I felt this good that I have to pinch myself to know that this isn’t just a perfect scenario I made up in my mind but real life. And even as I’m writing this I feel love so intensely within me that I don’t know how the world could ever be bad. And I don’t even care how stupid or scattered these thoughts may appear because love is just the best fucking feeling. And all the years I’ve spent waiting for this have been worth it because I’m genuinely certain about the person I’m with for the first time. People say you know when you feel it and I was always concerned thinking I wouldn’t ever know, but it’s true that as soon as I felt it I knew it was love. And as odd as it seems, the thing I most want to say is thank you. Thank you for loving me and letting me love you because I couldn’t imagine anything being more perfect.
Something I wrote a few minutes after you said I love you for the first time. (I just came across it on my phone)

I didn’t feel anything for so long
and then you came into my life
and I felt everything at once

Untitled

A Poem By Me:

Fire. I’m on fire.

White hot desire

Burns my soul, burns in me

Rips at my corneas, I can not see

Falling, falling, I can not breathe

And it seems,

I cannot be,

I’m in too deep

And I cannot reach

I grab at your hand

But I cannot stand

But your face

That perfect face

I want a single taste

And I want more

So much more

I want to explore

Your body,we hit the floor

But you’re so far away

And you never stay

Not for long

I don’t feel strong

I feel a mess

I feel more than a mess

More like a disaster

And it’s all a blur

But in the best possible way

And I just wait for the day

That I don’t let you go

And we grow

Together we grow

And we go

Away we go

Poison dart

Grown dark

But you,

You light my insides

And our lives become intertwined

Falling in stride

Side by side

You have my heart I swear

I accept you like a school yard dare

Swallow my pride

Changing the tide

By your side

Mountains shake

Earths quake

And this I take

Til I break

This is all I need

You and me

At first sight you are the most beautiful thing I’ve ever laid eyes on,

But you’re hard and distant,

And it takes all the force in the world to get you to let your guard down.

You tend to try to upset me,

Especially when you think I’m trying to hurt you,

But you have to know deep down I never would.

And when you smile, or when you laugh,

I can see my own world melt away.

And when I get you to speak freely,

I feel myself falling willingly

And I hope to god I fall into your arms.

You Don’t Know

You see her everywhere, in the strangers passing by,

That apathetic look, that surrendering sigh.

Sometimes she’ll smile, or laugh, and you’ll believe,

She’s happy, and healthy, but you’ll be deceived.

Because behind the girl with the fading smile,

Is someone who doesn’t plan on being around for a while.

She gave up along time ago,

She’s dead inside but you don’t know.

She lost her heart to the one she loved,

And after that she had had enough.

But if you looked through her bag you would find the pills,

Or if you lifted up her sleeves, you’d see the cuts that kill.

But no one bothered, no one took a second glance,

So now is her time to take a chance.

She’ll take the pills, and the blood will flow,

She’ll be gone in the morning, and you won’t even know.

I can’t

I posted this poem I wrote a yearish ago but I found it and this is exactly how I feel right now, so I’m reposting it.

A poem by me:

I can’t make everyone happy.

I can’t make anybody happy.

I can’t make myself happy.

I can’t make myself happy when nobody else is happy.

I can’t make decisions that make me happy.

I can’t make decisions that make me happy when nobody’s happy.

I can’t be happy when nobody’s happy.

I can’t be happy.

You,I,We

A poem by me:

We knew this was coming.

I was hopeful.

You knew it all along.

We tried to make it work for us.

I couldn’t do enough.

You stopped trying.

We always said we’d make it.

I pretended we weren’t falling apart.

You always knew the truth.

We used to be so close.

I have never felt so distant.

You have never been so far away.

We had the world at our feet.

I was prepared to give you everything.

You were prepared to watch me suffer.

We were going to have it all.

I let you walk all over me.

You made sure to stomp me into the ground.

We were supposed to be in love.

I gave you my heart.

You ruined my life.

Self Reflection

A poem by me:

I once met a girl staring at a lake,

Her tears were real but her smile was fake.

I asked her why she stared so longingly,

She said “it has my chance to finally be free.”

I didn’t understand her, but I knew she wasn’t fine.

How could someone be so sad, but smile the whole time?

So I stood next to the girl, her smile plastered on

And watched the shadow come over her with the setting sun.

I felt obligated to stay, to make sure she was okay,

Because something told me that today was her day.

I didn’t want to leave, so I sat down on the ground.

She sat too, but she didn’t make a sound.

I watched her feel the water, and she told me it was cold.

She said she didn’t mind it, it made her feel at home.

I asked her what had gone so wrong,

She said she was hoping it wouldn’t be lonely, that someone would come along.

She thanked me for fulfilling her very last wish, and slowly stood.

I wanted to save her, to hold her, to love her but I didn’t think I could.

I watched her closely as she quietly said,

“If only you understood the thoughts in my head,

I gave my all, each and everyday, to everyone and everything”

I waited for more when she started to grin.

“You know, you start to feel hollow when you always give your all,

But I have nothing left to give.” And she started to bawl.

I wanted to comfort her, but I knew she had made up her mind,

Before walking into the water, she thanked me for being so kind,

And then onward she went, letting the water slowly rise to her waist,

Her body got lost the deeper she went, and soon I could only see her face.

I wanted to save her, to hold her, to love her.

But by the time I was ready, she had already gone under.

Why doesn’t he love me?

A poem by me:

I’m ugly.

Why doesn’t he love me?

I’m intense.

Why doesn’t he love me?

I never fight back.

Why doesn’t he love me?

I don’t know how to cry.

Why doesn’t he love me?

In fact, I show no emotion at all.

Why doesn’t he love me?

I hate my voice.

Why doesn’t he love me?

I avoid people to avoid judgement.

Why doesn’t he love me?

I want to smash my reflection.

Why doesn’t he love me?

I fuck up every situation.

Why doesn’t he love me?

I can’t take criticism.

Why doesn’t he love me?

I’m not good at anything.

Why doesn’t he love me?

I overanalyze everything.

Why doesn’t he love me?

I don’t respect myself.

Why doesn’t he love me?

I let other people control my life.

Why doesn’t he love me?

I live mostly in my head.

Why doesn’t he love me?

I run away from everyone including myself.

Why doesn’t he love me?

I don’t think I have a heart.

Why doesn’t he love me?

I’m stupid.

Why doesn’t he love me?

I hate myself.

Why doesn’t he love me?

I hate everything about myself.

Why doesn’t he love me?

I don’t love myself.

Why should he?

Untitled

A Poem By Me:

I want to be one with the ocean,

And bathe in the deep blue.

Cleansed of all emotion,

Let my heart soak in the sea.

And as the water fills my lungs I forget how to breathe.

The opportunity I finally seize.

At last I am completely free.